BULLWHIP COMPETITIONS TO MARK MOVIE

With the impending release of Indiana Jones and the Threat Of Something, SO bigwigs have generously volunteered this development as the site of the IJ BULLWHIP COMPETITION sponsored by Skoal.

Awards will be given for whipping the taillights out of a Prius, and for snapping a lit cigarette out of the lips of a willing partner (note: to qualify, the partner must not be scarred. (Hint* Hockey Goalie Mask for practises, and please don't practise on red flag burn ban days.)

Interested residents can pick up their bullwhips at either gatehouse.

MICKEY D PORTION CONTROL - CONTROL

Sent to McDonald's:

I had to write since I find this so amazing. We live two miles from your store. Every so often we like to get a couple of hot fudge sundaes. Last time, about a week ago, the container was 2/3 full, but we were in a hurry and thought the workers was just in a hurry. THIS time - last night - we stopped and when both were only 2/3 full, I said so. The reply: "We've been running out of ice cream at the end of the month so management told us to make them smaller."

That's just wrong. Poor planning or popularity is not excuse for under-sizing portions.

And I thought you were the masters of portion control!

There's not enough ice cream in a 2/3 serving to make the trip worthwhile. You've lost us.

Bob Wood

HUGE PARTY TRIBUTE TO GUNNITE

Last night's party was the largest we've seen in 157 years here at S.O. - that's assuming the BOHLS' history reads right - there ARE wine stains on some of the pages.

The eat-a-teria from the golf club was out in force to feed the masses. A tractor-trailer o' fun reprogrammed kids into mutant life forms.


The butter sculpture head of Daniel Porter melted, then was used for corn.

RADIO JAMMER PROPOSED

In an effort to quiet sub-contractor noises, an unnamed resident,fed up with the need for repeated complaints about various building sites' radios, has begun a secret project to build a radio jammer with a range of about two miles.

"Unfortunately it'll blanket the dial, so no radio reception will be possible during work hours. Cell phones shouldn't be disturbed," said the former electrical engineer.

It's possible this resident had a hand in the PDA software that allows one to surrupticiously change tv channels in a bar.

AG EXEMPTION POSSIBLE FOR ALL

Tax time could be very interesting as free range mules and alpacas are loosed in S.O. common areas for which the HOA will possibly receive AG exemptions.

One local put it best: "When it comes to braying or paying, I'm for braying!"

Meanwhile, homeowners are to be alert for another sighting of a Porcudillo which was spotted the other night by a patron of the club bar as his Escalade halogen highjimbeams caught the crossbreed scurrying across the common area in the back of S.O.

"He might have seen anything - you can't be sure - possibly one of the jackalopes, or a cat. We get strange reports all the time like that black deer, the albino buffalo and a skuncoon," said an east gate guard who asked to remain anonymous, interviewed between games of solitaire.

FOOD GHOST FESTIVAL SCHEDULED

We've all seen and loved those white plastic food bags that float around on the breezes. Well, the Workers of Spanish Oaks - the sub-contractor-informal association - have established the first annual plastic bag flying festival. AKA Food Ghosts, a mass release will take place on or about April 4, depending on the winds, with prizes for longest flight, highest flight, largest flying bag, and slowest-to-decompose in sunlight.

In June, there will be a suction-cup-arrow competition to shoot rogue bags out of trees.

TIME-WARNER FINDS THEIR SHOVEL

Lost for years, Time-Warner has recently found its missing shovel and plans to get working on the backlog of unburied cables throughout the Spanish Oaks subdivision.

"Heck, those cables are strong anyway, so its not like the service was degraded in any way," said Marisa Taylor, spokesperson. "I'll bet many people though they were harmless cute black snakes!"