POOL CONVERSION

What with the pool closing for the cooler days, management is allegedly exploring the opportunity presented by an Asian company to drain most of the pool and turn it into a prototype hydroponic farm.

The lower pool can be used to raise shrimp.

Other proposals include a skate-park and a self-cleaning dog park.

BIPLANE TO SPRAY

Given the huge expense annually for landscaping materials, i.e.: fertilizer, weed killer, etc., not to mention the number of application-hours, the executive committee is looking into the purchase of a Bi-Plane to use to spray the whole development at once.

"The plane can easily land on grass. The 18th fairway would certainly work. In fact, you could land on a par 3 with this baby!" said an unnamed source, who continued, "...and we know noise isn't much of an issue. It's like a leaf blower and even then, only for a few seconds. Imagine the parade of cockroaches and crickets marching away from S.O. across Highway 71 into the Uplands!"

S.O. TO HIRE RAINMAKER.

After a withering summer, the 2nd hottest in 83 years, in the middle of an exceptional drought (ranked ABOVE 'extreme",) S.O. has reportedly contracted with a rainmaker to bring much-needed rain to this development.

G.P. "Purdy" Pullman, of Las Cruces, New Mexico, will set up his rainmaking gear on top of Musket Rim in the park there and will begin immediately to summon the clouds and other forces which result in rainfall. "I have soaked plenty of communities throughout the southwest, believe you me," said Mr. Pullman. "Now y'all can expect your dogs and what have you to make some sort of ruckus when my generator is going full tilt 'cause it makes an ultrasonic whistle kind of thing, but that's normal. By the way, I also contract separately for window washing so any of you who wants their windows done at the same time should contact me for a contract. Oh, and the smell will be the bacteria I release in balloons which I will shoot when they get high enough."

ScienceDaily (Feb. 29, 2008) — Brent Christner, LSU professor of biological sciences, in partnership with colleagues in Montana and France, recently found evidence that rain-making bacteria are widely distributed in the atmosphere. These biological particles could factor heavily into the precipitation cycle, affecting climate, agricultural productivity and even global warming. Christner and his colleagues published their results on Feb 29 in the journal Science.

A matter of some controversy, rainmaking is said to be part art and part science.

DEAR MS S.O. MANNERS...

A concerned resident asks: "Let's say I am waiting to exit the development. I need to see both left and right traffic flows to make my move. Then, with no warning, some other vehicle pulls up beside me and blocks my view in one direction. Is it proper etiquette to remove my pistol from my boot and deliver an immediate flat tire as long as I am certain no one will be injured?"

Ms. S.O. Manners replies:

"We've all had that thought, if not the loaded boot. But consider that to deliver the flat you have just fired your pistol in the confines of your car, and are now functionally deaf. Plus, in case that vehicle is filled with landscaping professionals, they will have a flat tire and access to pickaxes. Since they cannot move their vehicle due to the flat, they will seek other activities, and planting the pick into your hood or windshield could be their choice. And you still can't tell if there's traffic blocking your exit."

"Ms. S.O. Manners always prefers the potato in the gas pipe as a polite reminder of selfish driving."

ENTRY BOXES

Rumors reach Sarcasm Oaks that Discovery is in talks with the Pentagon to test refinement to the units we use to access the property and trigger the guard-waves. Those white box radio frequency identification devices are crude early generation units. In computer terms, they are the Apple 2.

New tech will allow the guard to wave right or left handed, to match driver preference for a warmer welcome, will be able to scan for blood alcohol saturation, note weapons within the vehicle, and see through your clothes. Coupled with imbedded road sensors, they will detect your speed, grade of gasoline used, and carbon footprint of your vehicle.

SNAKE TRAGEDY

On or about the 4th of July a snake bravely worked its way up the embankment and onto the bridge at the east entrance to S.O. where it met an untimely death by car or truck.

After passing what my wife first said was "a glove" I stopped on our return to take a good look. Triangle head, but no rattle. Guts. The work of an uncaring motorist.

Here was a reptile unafraid to climb out of its natural habitat to explore the larger world. We mourn, not for what it was, but for what it might have become.

NEW POOL TO BE USED FOR AG TRAINING

Ensuring another extraordinary dimension to S.O., developers are said to have penned a contract with a university extension division to host bovine rehabilitation on Mondays, when the pool is closed to the development owners.