LITTLE MT RUSHMORE

After reviewing options to keep trucks from rolling over the center island grass on the east side S. O. Blvd. circle, the latest entry in the "THIS'LL STOP THEM!" saga is a set of really large rocks dropped on site and completely out of character.

Sarcasm Oaks believes this will be mitigated by the carving of presidential heads into the rock faces, perhaps duplicating those on large denomination bills.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK - YOU DON'T BELONG!

We've learned that efforts are underway quietly to remove S.O. from all maps, Google Earth, etc. The first step was taking the SPANISH OAKS sign down at the east Entrance. The next step will be the changing of Spanish Oaks Club Boulevard to a blank sign. Exclusivity! That's the ticket.

HEALED!

Some apparent action on the east side as the bump/rut/sag in the roadway near the inward side of the bridge has been fixed. So far no marking to the other one right at the exit just beyond the gate, so perhaps that dip is a permanent butt-clench exercise for all owners of low slung cars.

SO TO REPEL SNAKES

In a first for the Hill Country, our reporters have learned that an exclusive contract has been negotiated with the St. Patrick Invisible Dog Fence company to design, install, and monitor an Invisible Snake Fence system for S.O.

"All we have to do is catch and collar them then the problem is over," said St. Patrick founder Dewey "Guy" Cantwell, who demonstrated his technique on a captive garden hose.

BASS TO SPAWN NEXT WEEK

To encourage the fish population of S.O.'s fishing hole, our new fishing guide has suggested that S.O. leave some of the weeds which grow close in to shore, for that's where 'it' happens. Apparently the female will clear an area to her liking and will deposit eggs for "you know."

To further encourage the bass, underwater speakers will play Barry White CDs all through the night next week.

DO PALM TREES ENDANGER S.O.?

Advancing a lesser-known theory, noted botanist J. Wendell Howell III has suggested that the planting and proliferation of palm trees in S.O. could lead to a breakout of retirement disease, in which residents become accustomed to eating dinners at 4PM, wearing polyesters, men matching white belt and shoes, buying big American cars and driving with the left turn signal left flashing.

"It's just dangerous to take trees indigenous in these zones of Florida and moving them to the east and north. To some they look pretty, and that's the draw, but before you know it, and we've seen this time and time again, a new way or perhaps I should say WAVE of thinking and acting overtakes the locals. We've known for years that local flora can influence the population nearby - look at Humboldt County, California, for example (said to be the most prolific pot growing region in the US.) Do you have any idea what their chocolate chip cookie consumption is in that area? It's off the scale! We've sent researchers there who have completely cut off communications and are lost to our project!"

FLAT SNAKE COMPETITION

First picture (from this spring) of S.O. squashed snake wins a CD of my choice. Sorry, but I have some duplicates. It's the time of the year! Use your phone cam.

Oh, I know, they eat mice and rats and are God's living creatures, etc. So do it inadvertently. The cycle of life won't stop.

WIRES AND FLAGS AND OTHER STUFF

The large median past the east entrance guard shack is pockmarked like a teenager with wires sticking out of the green, and little flags in case you miss them. It's been that way for months. Something exciting must be coming. How about little lasers that mark our place as even more special than it is already?

WHAT are the guards watching all the time on their several computers?
Replays of cars coming and going?