BLUE IS AN EARTH TONE

Whisperings suggest our Design Review Committee is moving to embrace ALL of the earth, not just land masses in future color choice permissions.

Comments in the air...

"Hey, go to the moon and look back - whataya see? BLUE. Lots of it. BLUE is an earth tone."

"What about that LA sky color? And China skies?"

"Any color is earth tone if it can be found on earth - what we need are CRAYOLA colors. THEN we'd have something!"

"Pantone color is so... Falconhead. TOYO colors - now THEY are something worthy of S.O.!"

CHRISTMAS DECORATION COMPETITION

Let the gamesmanship begin! In an effort to help those who wish to dazzle their neighbors, we offer the following handicapper for those who wish to display and spread their seasonal joy via decoration.

This guide is presented with point values.

1- wrap a tree trunk +1
in white lights 0
in white flashing lights -5
in white twinkling lights +5
in colored lights +5
in all one color light -10
branch lighting +5

outline house
+ 2 per room

bulb size
larger bulbs equal more points
mini +1
large +4
laser +25

reminder: 7.5 watts x 1000 lights = 7.5 kilowatts, may be eligible for Al Gore Visit

2- colored floodlights -10

3- projected generic scenes which could be North Dakota on side of house -128

4- inflatables
Santa +2
Santa and reindeer +4
Elf -1
Helicopter -2
Skiers -5
Snow Globe with snow inside +5
Snowman -5
Snowman with cowboy hat +5
Snowman with Corboy hat, six shooter and spurs +20
Nativity scene -10
Bevo with garland +50

5- flat cutouts
nativity on plywood -6
wrapped presents -4
majii -8
Santa -5
reindeer -3
elf -7
camel -10
lance armstrong +1
any words -15 per letter

6- fake snow
on window +1
on roof -10
on lawn -30

7- advertising -30

8- candles
in window +1
in car +5

9- misc
star on chimney +5
space shuttle on chimney -5
santa riding atop international space station on chimney +20
audible music -40
audible Celine Dion Christmas carols -100
carillion -50
broadcast music on private fm station +40
gingerbread scent +30
reindeer scent -20
curbside eggnog dispenser +20
curbside spiked eggnog dispenser +135
live nativity scene +75
real santa, real sleigh +200
real santa in convertible touring neighborhood with elf 'babes' in sexy costumes +400

NEW PEST SIGHTED!

Giant spiders seen to roam S.O. freely. Bounty set?

An off-property experiment gone terribly wrong? Lair uncovered at the HEB construction site? Bee Cave caves home to mutants? Subterranean intermingling between Michaels and Petsmart?

Honchos at DLC have reportedly discussed putting a bounty on this new pest, caught here resting on a 'don't park your truck here' fence.

Experts brought in suggest the spider may have been lured into the development, mistaking basketball nets for companion webs.

THE INKY DINKY SPIDER ENDANGERED

Halloween decoration contest to be investigated by EPA?

As The S.O. community participates in its first annual Halloween Decoration Contest, we have been told that the EPA will be watching developments carefully, as the effects of artificial (spray on) cobwebs have been shown to confuse and entrap a dwindling population of hill country spiders, already stressed by encroaching 'civilization' into their native habitat.

Don't hand out candy to men in hazmat suits.

On a related note, there's apparently no truth to the rumor that Discovery Land Co. has been purchased by the Hallmark Card Company.

POOL CONVERSION

What with the pool closing for the cooler days, management is allegedly exploring the opportunity presented by an Asian company to drain most of the pool and turn it into a prototype hydroponic farm.

The lower pool can be used to raise shrimp.

Other proposals include a skate-park and a self-cleaning dog park.

BIPLANE TO SPRAY

Given the huge expense annually for landscaping materials, i.e.: fertilizer, weed killer, etc., not to mention the number of application-hours, the executive committee is looking into the purchase of a Bi-Plane to use to spray the whole development at once.

"The plane can easily land on grass. The 18th fairway would certainly work. In fact, you could land on a par 3 with this baby!" said an unnamed source, who continued, "...and we know noise isn't much of an issue. It's like a leaf blower and even then, only for a few seconds. Imagine the parade of cockroaches and crickets marching away from S.O. across Highway 71 into the Uplands!"

S.O. TO HIRE RAINMAKER.

After a withering summer, the 2nd hottest in 83 years, in the middle of an exceptional drought (ranked ABOVE 'extreme",) S.O. has reportedly contracted with a rainmaker to bring much-needed rain to this development.

G.P. "Purdy" Pullman, of Las Cruces, New Mexico, will set up his rainmaking gear on top of Musket Rim in the park there and will begin immediately to summon the clouds and other forces which result in rainfall. "I have soaked plenty of communities throughout the southwest, believe you me," said Mr. Pullman. "Now y'all can expect your dogs and what have you to make some sort of ruckus when my generator is going full tilt 'cause it makes an ultrasonic whistle kind of thing, but that's normal. By the way, I also contract separately for window washing so any of you who wants their windows done at the same time should contact me for a contract. Oh, and the smell will be the bacteria I release in balloons which I will shoot when they get high enough."

ScienceDaily (Feb. 29, 2008) — Brent Christner, LSU professor of biological sciences, in partnership with colleagues in Montana and France, recently found evidence that rain-making bacteria are widely distributed in the atmosphere. These biological particles could factor heavily into the precipitation cycle, affecting climate, agricultural productivity and even global warming. Christner and his colleagues published their results on Feb 29 in the journal Science.

A matter of some controversy, rainmaking is said to be part art and part science.

DEAR MS S.O. MANNERS...

A concerned resident asks: "Let's say I am waiting to exit the development. I need to see both left and right traffic flows to make my move. Then, with no warning, some other vehicle pulls up beside me and blocks my view in one direction. Is it proper etiquette to remove my pistol from my boot and deliver an immediate flat tire as long as I am certain no one will be injured?"

Ms. S.O. Manners replies:

"We've all had that thought, if not the loaded boot. But consider that to deliver the flat you have just fired your pistol in the confines of your car, and are now functionally deaf. Plus, in case that vehicle is filled with landscaping professionals, they will have a flat tire and access to pickaxes. Since they cannot move their vehicle due to the flat, they will seek other activities, and planting the pick into your hood or windshield could be their choice. And you still can't tell if there's traffic blocking your exit."

"Ms. S.O. Manners always prefers the potato in the gas pipe as a polite reminder of selfish driving."

ENTRY BOXES

Rumors reach Sarcasm Oaks that Discovery is in talks with the Pentagon to test refinement to the units we use to access the property and trigger the guard-waves. Those white box radio frequency identification devices are crude early generation units. In computer terms, they are the Apple 2.

New tech will allow the guard to wave right or left handed, to match driver preference for a warmer welcome, will be able to scan for blood alcohol saturation, note weapons within the vehicle, and see through your clothes. Coupled with imbedded road sensors, they will detect your speed, grade of gasoline used, and carbon footprint of your vehicle.

SNAKE TRAGEDY

On or about the 4th of July a snake bravely worked its way up the embankment and onto the bridge at the east entrance to S.O. where it met an untimely death by car or truck.

After passing what my wife first said was "a glove" I stopped on our return to take a good look. Triangle head, but no rattle. Guts. The work of an uncaring motorist.

Here was a reptile unafraid to climb out of its natural habitat to explore the larger world. We mourn, not for what it was, but for what it might have become.

NEW POOL TO BE USED FOR AG TRAINING

Ensuring another extraordinary dimension to S.O., developers are said to have penned a contract with a university extension division to host bovine rehabilitation on Mondays, when the pool is closed to the development owners.

VERY VERY LIGHT RAIL PROPOSED

VVLR line proposed for SO.

Paralleling the back road, partially hidden by landscaping, a VVLR (Very Very Light Rail) project has been proposed for SO. It won't really go anywhere significant or serve a useful purpose, like many of the light rail projects in large cities across America, but it will qualify for federal subsidies.

STEPFORD OAKS SUBDIVISION POSSIBLE

Due to rapid advances in lifelike animatronics, we've learned that Discovery is contemplating opening a section of Spanish Oaks to a new subdivision to be called Stepford Oaks, after the similarly named popular movie series of some time ago.

See female prototype here

A male prototype is in development but scientists are trying to overcome its tendency to wander off on its own without asking for directions.

DISCOVERY TO FLY WATER

A corporate leak at Discovery Land Company, developers of signature golf course communities scattered from North Carolina to Montana to Hawaii, suggests that DLC may be flying specially equipped tankers with select waters from existing projects to fill Spanish Oaks' new community pool in a symbolic co-mingling for the July 4th gala hard opening of the lodge and pool recreational facility.

Water is the basis for life - it is said that by using waters collected from the Discovery Family of Projects, the mixture will bring the natural element into final focus.

CAN CAMMO CANS AVOID FINES?

It has been theorized that the trash can issues, i.e.: leaving the cans out after dusk of trash day and storage placement visibility could conceivably be cured by introduction of the stealth Cammo Can. The Cammo Can is a trash receptacle painted to resemble the easement on which one usually sits. Of course, this solution depends on the eagle eyes of the trash truck drivers, as a Cammo Can could be bypassed.

Apparently the idea was hatched when G. E. "Bud" Markham, on a recent home tour, noticed the gouges in the east exit gate, where a truck apparently hit the closed gate, mistaking it for open. "I just got me to thinkin' and there she was," said Bud.

It is not known when or where the stealth cans will be introduced on a pilot program.

S.O. GOES GREEN

With the rising cost of gasoline paralleling social concerns for energy consumption, S.O. will once again lead the High End Texas housing development industry by contracting with a new West Texas equipment manufacturer to supply wind-up and hand-cranked leaf blowers to the landscaping crew.

"How much waste is there in a 200 mph gust when all you are really doing is moving some grass clippings or leaves?" commented a spokesperson. "We calculate that with a minimum expenditure of human power, you can actually move that debris at 17.5 mph, easily achievable by a powerful spring."

"We are working on similar technology for weed wackers, and hope to have that in beta-test by next spring."

It has been suggested that SO attempt to harness the power potential in the guard-wave-greetings. Especially as the project grows, increased traffic will boost wave-occasions and much like the technology that converts ocean tides to electricity, it's possible to foresee a day when the guard shack computers are completely supplied by wave.

HUGH HEFNER TO VISIT POOL GROTTO

Hugh Hefner, legendary playboy, has tired of his poolside scene in Beverly Hills and is planning a trip to Austin, Texas.

Mr Hefner has offered to christen the new Grotto at the soon-to-be-dedicated Spanish Oaks pool.

"There is no Grotto that I don't love, especially with Texas limestone!" exclaimed Mr Hefner. Extra lifeguards will be placed on duty for this auspicious occasion.

IF ONLY...

Good to see that the news intern either has a great sense of humor; or sad to see a doofus in action.

LITTLE MT RUSHMORE

After reviewing options to keep trucks from rolling over the center island grass on the east side S. O. Blvd. circle, the latest entry in the "THIS'LL STOP THEM!" saga is a set of really large rocks dropped on site and completely out of character.

Sarcasm Oaks believes this will be mitigated by the carving of presidential heads into the rock faces, perhaps duplicating those on large denomination bills.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK - YOU DON'T BELONG!

We've learned that efforts are underway quietly to remove S.O. from all maps, Google Earth, etc. The first step was taking the SPANISH OAKS sign down at the east Entrance. The next step will be the changing of Spanish Oaks Club Boulevard to a blank sign. Exclusivity! That's the ticket.

HEALED!

Some apparent action on the east side as the bump/rut/sag in the roadway near the inward side of the bridge has been fixed. So far no marking to the other one right at the exit just beyond the gate, so perhaps that dip is a permanent butt-clench exercise for all owners of low slung cars.

SO TO REPEL SNAKES

In a first for the Hill Country, our reporters have learned that an exclusive contract has been negotiated with the St. Patrick Invisible Dog Fence company to design, install, and monitor an Invisible Snake Fence system for S.O.

"All we have to do is catch and collar them then the problem is over," said St. Patrick founder Dewey "Guy" Cantwell, who demonstrated his technique on a captive garden hose.

BASS TO SPAWN NEXT WEEK

To encourage the fish population of S.O.'s fishing hole, our new fishing guide has suggested that S.O. leave some of the weeds which grow close in to shore, for that's where 'it' happens. Apparently the female will clear an area to her liking and will deposit eggs for "you know."

To further encourage the bass, underwater speakers will play Barry White CDs all through the night next week.

DO PALM TREES ENDANGER S.O.?

Advancing a lesser-known theory, noted botanist J. Wendell Howell III has suggested that the planting and proliferation of palm trees in S.O. could lead to a breakout of retirement disease, in which residents become accustomed to eating dinners at 4PM, wearing polyesters, men matching white belt and shoes, buying big American cars and driving with the left turn signal left flashing.

"It's just dangerous to take trees indigenous in these zones of Florida and moving them to the east and north. To some they look pretty, and that's the draw, but before you know it, and we've seen this time and time again, a new way or perhaps I should say WAVE of thinking and acting overtakes the locals. We've known for years that local flora can influence the population nearby - look at Humboldt County, California, for example (said to be the most prolific pot growing region in the US.) Do you have any idea what their chocolate chip cookie consumption is in that area? It's off the scale! We've sent researchers there who have completely cut off communications and are lost to our project!"

FLAT SNAKE COMPETITION

First picture (from this spring) of S.O. squashed snake wins a CD of my choice. Sorry, but I have some duplicates. It's the time of the year! Use your phone cam.

Oh, I know, they eat mice and rats and are God's living creatures, etc. So do it inadvertently. The cycle of life won't stop.

WIRES AND FLAGS AND OTHER STUFF

The large median past the east entrance guard shack is pockmarked like a teenager with wires sticking out of the green, and little flags in case you miss them. It's been that way for months. Something exciting must be coming. How about little lasers that mark our place as even more special than it is already?

WHAT are the guards watching all the time on their several computers?
Replays of cars coming and going?

BULLWHIP COMPETITIONS TO MARK MOVIE

With the impending release of Indiana Jones and the Threat Of Something, SO bigwigs have generously volunteered this development as the site of the IJ BULLWHIP COMPETITION sponsored by Skoal.

Awards will be given for whipping the taillights out of a Prius, and for snapping a lit cigarette out of the lips of a willing partner (note: to qualify, the partner must not be scarred. (Hint* Hockey Goalie Mask for practises, and please don't practise on red flag burn ban days.)

Interested residents can pick up their bullwhips at either gatehouse.

MICKEY D PORTION CONTROL - CONTROL

Sent to McDonald's:

I had to write since I find this so amazing. We live two miles from your store. Every so often we like to get a couple of hot fudge sundaes. Last time, about a week ago, the container was 2/3 full, but we were in a hurry and thought the workers was just in a hurry. THIS time - last night - we stopped and when both were only 2/3 full, I said so. The reply: "We've been running out of ice cream at the end of the month so management told us to make them smaller."

That's just wrong. Poor planning or popularity is not excuse for under-sizing portions.

And I thought you were the masters of portion control!

There's not enough ice cream in a 2/3 serving to make the trip worthwhile. You've lost us.

Bob Wood

HUGE PARTY TRIBUTE TO GUNNITE

Last night's party was the largest we've seen in 157 years here at S.O. - that's assuming the BOHLS' history reads right - there ARE wine stains on some of the pages.

The eat-a-teria from the golf club was out in force to feed the masses. A tractor-trailer o' fun reprogrammed kids into mutant life forms.


The butter sculpture head of Daniel Porter melted, then was used for corn.

RADIO JAMMER PROPOSED

In an effort to quiet sub-contractor noises, an unnamed resident,fed up with the need for repeated complaints about various building sites' radios, has begun a secret project to build a radio jammer with a range of about two miles.

"Unfortunately it'll blanket the dial, so no radio reception will be possible during work hours. Cell phones shouldn't be disturbed," said the former electrical engineer.

It's possible this resident had a hand in the PDA software that allows one to surrupticiously change tv channels in a bar.

AG EXEMPTION POSSIBLE FOR ALL

Tax time could be very interesting as free range mules and alpacas are loosed in S.O. common areas for which the HOA will possibly receive AG exemptions.

One local put it best: "When it comes to braying or paying, I'm for braying!"

Meanwhile, homeowners are to be alert for another sighting of a Porcudillo which was spotted the other night by a patron of the club bar as his Escalade halogen highjimbeams caught the crossbreed scurrying across the common area in the back of S.O.

"He might have seen anything - you can't be sure - possibly one of the jackalopes, or a cat. We get strange reports all the time like that black deer, the albino buffalo and a skuncoon," said an east gate guard who asked to remain anonymous, interviewed between games of solitaire.

FOOD GHOST FESTIVAL SCHEDULED

We've all seen and loved those white plastic food bags that float around on the breezes. Well, the Workers of Spanish Oaks - the sub-contractor-informal association - have established the first annual plastic bag flying festival. AKA Food Ghosts, a mass release will take place on or about April 4, depending on the winds, with prizes for longest flight, highest flight, largest flying bag, and slowest-to-decompose in sunlight.

In June, there will be a suction-cup-arrow competition to shoot rogue bags out of trees.

TIME-WARNER FINDS THEIR SHOVEL

Lost for years, Time-Warner has recently found its missing shovel and plans to get working on the backlog of unburied cables throughout the Spanish Oaks subdivision.

"Heck, those cables are strong anyway, so its not like the service was degraded in any way," said Marisa Taylor, spokesperson. "I'll bet many people though they were harmless cute black snakes!"

WILLIE NELSON ANNOUNCES NEW BUS

Recently performing just up the street at the Backyard, we hear that he's planning to ditch biodiesel made from from corn in favor of newly created biohemp. "Biohemp is the future. Sure, there's a little exhaust but it tends to slow drivers down and mellow them out. No more road rage. All in all, I think it's just what we all need," said Willie in one slow exhale.

S. O. SEEN FROM SPACE

A rare daylight sighting of Spanish Oaks from outer space has been confirmed by officials at NASA in Houston as the International Space Station flew directly overhead while the landscaping lights had been left on during the day for several days in a row.

"Yup, that's it" said an unidentified astronaut, peering through 20x50 binoculars.

VANDALS STRIKE OPEN IRRIGATION AND UTILITY HOLES

You may have noted that there seems to be a rash of utility holes or irrigation holes left open or missed by workcrews. Apparently some practical joker has carefully wrapped long plastic snakes around the insides of the holes. Maybe to make a point or just for hi-jinx. We'll try to follow the story.

COTTON FOR WORLD SHORTAGE OF Q-TIPS TO BE GROWN AT S.O.G.C.

Golf will no longer be quite the same as the world's first cotton traps will be grown between the 7th, 8th, 13th and 14th fairways, insiders report. This cotton will help ease the worldwide Q-tip tip shortage. Although it might be hard to spot a chipped or sliced shot if it lands in the patch, this can only help boost the clubs rating as one of the most difficult and innovative in the nation.

The course reminds golfers not to strike a cottonMOUTH with anything less than a driver as snake season approaches.

STEALTH TECHNOLOGY USED AT SPANISH OAKS

In a exciting show of stealth technology, a large flatbed trailer snuck by the guards after hours to deliver a load of trusses to a home under construction. The guard was also unable to hear the vehicle or note its dual flashing yellow lights on the cab. However, startled locals did hear the roar as the load was dropped about 7:10 Friday night.

DISCOVERY TO REPLACE DRIVEWAY ENDERS?

Discovery Land Company in an effort to stop homeowners from using large limestone rocks to define the edge/end of driveways has commissioned the Dupont Chemical Company to produce what will be called drive-mines. Effectively a land mine of very limited power, it'll take the weight of a truck or car over the weight of a Prius to set one off. Once installed, they will deliver quite the surprise to the miscreant who can't or won't drive within the lines. Probably good for a flat tire, but certainly a good scare. Reloads will sell at the guard shacks for $2.50

LARGEST END OF DRIVEWAY ROCK FOUND TO CONTAIN SKULL

Recently many residents have taken to placing large limestone rocks at the end of their driveway to discourage those who might be tempted to make a shortcut and destroy some plantings. Some of the large ones have already been hit by marauding bobcats and flatbeds, and now it has been reported that one of the larger rocks has a peculiar formation resembling a human skull embedded in it. Timmy Bohls, noted expert on large driveway rocks was quoted as saying "it sure looks like someone from the pre-discovery period, but it's probably just one of those things. Nature likes to play games too!"

Reportedly the sales office has been searching through rocks for what could be termed a "madonna rock" under the theory that the ensuing pilgrimage might be just the thing to boost lot sales.

BROKEN SPRINKLER HEAD VIES FOR WORLD RECORD

Recently a broken sprinkler head was sited and entered in a contest to name the highest-shooting sprinkler water jet by the LCRA. "It may have been the fact that it was on the downslope of a hill that gave it the extra push but it sure looks like a winner," said a spokesperson. Spanish Oaks rushed a portable lighting unit to the site so all residents could enjoy the dancing water at night.

PENZOIL SPONSORS OIL STAIN CONTEST

As so many of the workers' trucks (and delivery vehicles) have left various stains and streams on the roads of Spanish Oaks, Penzoil has stepped up to sponsor the first annual Texas State Map Oil Stain contest. The stain most shaped like the state of Texas will win the worker a free weeekend stay at the Woodlands Resort, outside of Houston, and a oil resistent tarp for parking there.