BULLWHIP COMPETITIONS TO MARK MOVIE

With the impending release of Indiana Jones and the Threat Of Something, SO bigwigs have generously volunteered this development as the site of the IJ BULLWHIP COMPETITION sponsored by Skoal.

Awards will be given for whipping the taillights out of a Prius, and for snapping a lit cigarette out of the lips of a willing partner (note: to qualify, the partner must not be scarred. (Hint* Hockey Goalie Mask for practises, and please don't practise on red flag burn ban days.)

Interested residents can pick up their bullwhips at either gatehouse.

MICKEY D PORTION CONTROL - CONTROL

Sent to McDonald's:

I had to write since I find this so amazing. We live two miles from your store. Every so often we like to get a couple of hot fudge sundaes. Last time, about a week ago, the container was 2/3 full, but we were in a hurry and thought the workers was just in a hurry. THIS time - last night - we stopped and when both were only 2/3 full, I said so. The reply: "We've been running out of ice cream at the end of the month so management told us to make them smaller."

That's just wrong. Poor planning or popularity is not excuse for under-sizing portions.

And I thought you were the masters of portion control!

There's not enough ice cream in a 2/3 serving to make the trip worthwhile. You've lost us.

Bob Wood

HUGE PARTY TRIBUTE TO GUNNITE

Last night's party was the largest we've seen in 157 years here at S.O. - that's assuming the BOHLS' history reads right - there ARE wine stains on some of the pages.

The eat-a-teria from the golf club was out in force to feed the masses. A tractor-trailer o' fun reprogrammed kids into mutant life forms.


The butter sculpture head of Daniel Porter melted, then was used for corn.

RADIO JAMMER PROPOSED

In an effort to quiet sub-contractor noises, an unnamed resident,fed up with the need for repeated complaints about various building sites' radios, has begun a secret project to build a radio jammer with a range of about two miles.

"Unfortunately it'll blanket the dial, so no radio reception will be possible during work hours. Cell phones shouldn't be disturbed," said the former electrical engineer.

It's possible this resident had a hand in the PDA software that allows one to surrupticiously change tv channels in a bar.

AG EXEMPTION POSSIBLE FOR ALL

Tax time could be very interesting as free range mules and alpacas are loosed in S.O. common areas for which the HOA will possibly receive AG exemptions.

One local put it best: "When it comes to braying or paying, I'm for braying!"

Meanwhile, homeowners are to be alert for another sighting of a Porcudillo which was spotted the other night by a patron of the club bar as his Escalade halogen highjimbeams caught the crossbreed scurrying across the common area in the back of S.O.

"He might have seen anything - you can't be sure - possibly one of the jackalopes, or a cat. We get strange reports all the time like that black deer, the albino buffalo and a skuncoon," said an east gate guard who asked to remain anonymous, interviewed between games of solitaire.

FOOD GHOST FESTIVAL SCHEDULED

We've all seen and loved those white plastic food bags that float around on the breezes. Well, the Workers of Spanish Oaks - the sub-contractor-informal association - have established the first annual plastic bag flying festival. AKA Food Ghosts, a mass release will take place on or about April 4, depending on the winds, with prizes for longest flight, highest flight, largest flying bag, and slowest-to-decompose in sunlight.

In June, there will be a suction-cup-arrow competition to shoot rogue bags out of trees.

TIME-WARNER FINDS THEIR SHOVEL

Lost for years, Time-Warner has recently found its missing shovel and plans to get working on the backlog of unburied cables throughout the Spanish Oaks subdivision.

"Heck, those cables are strong anyway, so its not like the service was degraded in any way," said Marisa Taylor, spokesperson. "I'll bet many people though they were harmless cute black snakes!"

WILLIE NELSON ANNOUNCES NEW BUS

Recently performing just up the street at the Backyard, we hear that he's planning to ditch biodiesel made from from corn in favor of newly created biohemp. "Biohemp is the future. Sure, there's a little exhaust but it tends to slow drivers down and mellow them out. No more road rage. All in all, I think it's just what we all need," said Willie in one slow exhale.

S. O. SEEN FROM SPACE

A rare daylight sighting of Spanish Oaks from outer space has been confirmed by officials at NASA in Houston as the International Space Station flew directly overhead while the landscaping lights had been left on during the day for several days in a row.

"Yup, that's it" said an unidentified astronaut, peering through 20x50 binoculars.

VANDALS STRIKE OPEN IRRIGATION AND UTILITY HOLES

You may have noted that there seems to be a rash of utility holes or irrigation holes left open or missed by workcrews. Apparently some practical joker has carefully wrapped long plastic snakes around the insides of the holes. Maybe to make a point or just for hi-jinx. We'll try to follow the story.

COTTON FOR WORLD SHORTAGE OF Q-TIPS TO BE GROWN AT S.O.G.C.

Golf will no longer be quite the same as the world's first cotton traps will be grown between the 7th, 8th, 13th and 14th fairways, insiders report. This cotton will help ease the worldwide Q-tip tip shortage. Although it might be hard to spot a chipped or sliced shot if it lands in the patch, this can only help boost the clubs rating as one of the most difficult and innovative in the nation.

The course reminds golfers not to strike a cottonMOUTH with anything less than a driver as snake season approaches.

STEALTH TECHNOLOGY USED AT SPANISH OAKS

In a exciting show of stealth technology, a large flatbed trailer snuck by the guards after hours to deliver a load of trusses to a home under construction. The guard was also unable to hear the vehicle or note its dual flashing yellow lights on the cab. However, startled locals did hear the roar as the load was dropped about 7:10 Friday night.

DISCOVERY TO REPLACE DRIVEWAY ENDERS?

Discovery Land Company in an effort to stop homeowners from using large limestone rocks to define the edge/end of driveways has commissioned the Dupont Chemical Company to produce what will be called drive-mines. Effectively a land mine of very limited power, it'll take the weight of a truck or car over the weight of a Prius to set one off. Once installed, they will deliver quite the surprise to the miscreant who can't or won't drive within the lines. Probably good for a flat tire, but certainly a good scare. Reloads will sell at the guard shacks for $2.50

LARGEST END OF DRIVEWAY ROCK FOUND TO CONTAIN SKULL

Recently many residents have taken to placing large limestone rocks at the end of their driveway to discourage those who might be tempted to make a shortcut and destroy some plantings. Some of the large ones have already been hit by marauding bobcats and flatbeds, and now it has been reported that one of the larger rocks has a peculiar formation resembling a human skull embedded in it. Timmy Bohls, noted expert on large driveway rocks was quoted as saying "it sure looks like someone from the pre-discovery period, but it's probably just one of those things. Nature likes to play games too!"

Reportedly the sales office has been searching through rocks for what could be termed a "madonna rock" under the theory that the ensuing pilgrimage might be just the thing to boost lot sales.

BROKEN SPRINKLER HEAD VIES FOR WORLD RECORD

Recently a broken sprinkler head was sited and entered in a contest to name the highest-shooting sprinkler water jet by the LCRA. "It may have been the fact that it was on the downslope of a hill that gave it the extra push but it sure looks like a winner," said a spokesperson. Spanish Oaks rushed a portable lighting unit to the site so all residents could enjoy the dancing water at night.

PENZOIL SPONSORS OIL STAIN CONTEST

As so many of the workers' trucks (and delivery vehicles) have left various stains and streams on the roads of Spanish Oaks, Penzoil has stepped up to sponsor the first annual Texas State Map Oil Stain contest. The stain most shaped like the state of Texas will win the worker a free weeekend stay at the Woodlands Resort, outside of Houston, and a oil resistent tarp for parking there.